I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My liver just broke up with me...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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