Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
