You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
