I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
