Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
