I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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