you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
