She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
