Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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