my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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