I can text with my tongue
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
