If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
