My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
