Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
