TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize