Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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