last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
