she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
