What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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