if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
