I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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