You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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