I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
