this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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