i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
