D3 body, D1 cock
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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