Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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