This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
