You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
