also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize