does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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