the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
