a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
