I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
