he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
