if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize