i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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