fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
