I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
