she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There's always time for handjobs
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
