okay pat passed out under dana's car
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Randomize
