I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
