I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
