the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
