flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I didn't notice because vodka
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
