I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
