Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
