About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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