Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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