I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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