Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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