My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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