He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
