so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Im part way to drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
