wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
