break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
