I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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