Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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