If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
handjob tips. give me some.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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