she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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