it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
